Saturday, July 29, 2006

Today is My Birthday!

Yup. Born in 1953, so I’m 53 years old today, July 29.

53 - 53, shouldn’t that be some kind of lucky thing or somethin’? LOL (Been more like a jinx lately - LOL!)

I don’t feel old in my head LOL

If you’d like to do something nice for me *snicker* you can go take a peek at the quotation and funny sayings T-shirts I designed.

Over the years, I have collected thousands of quotes and such, just ‘cause I liked them. A clever turn of a phrase can always cheer me up. Then Husband started requesting tag lines for his work memos, and I collected and wrote even more.

I was encouraged by blog-buddy Amy who has some very cute designs at her Cafe’ Press Shop to give it a try. So I got a trial set-up there, to see if I could rake any dollars my way LOL

Also have a fabulous writer friend, Leeuna, from Southern Humorists, who is in a writing contest.
Here is her lovely plea: (She’s so sweet!)
If y'all get time, please go here Blog Carnival and vote for your favorite article. Mine is titled The Crack in the Southern Belle, but vote the way you see it. If you like one of the others better, please vote for it instead. This must be honest. The winner gets $40.00, which I have promised to Marti's favorite IRS auditor. :-)

Your help is appreciated.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I am so grateful for all of the wonderful internet friends and blog buddies I have made - God bless you all!

I hope all of you have a spectacular weekend! Now I’m gonna go eat cake LOL!

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Thursday, July 27, 2006


I am absolutely swamped with stuff here, no time to write, so I am posting this cute little story for you. Hope everyone has a wonderful day!

- - -

On July 20, 1969, the first man walked on the moon.

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong made those first footprints, he not only gave his famous, "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.

Just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 in Tampa, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

Armstrong explained, “When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. My friend hit a fly ball that landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. My neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

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Monday, July 24, 2006

And the winner is...

Ted Demopoulos is a speaker, author, and consultant who is passionate about technology, business, and especially their intersection. (Stole that from his website - LOL)

He had a contest to win a coy of the book he co-authored, “Blogging for Business”.

I wrote an entry and WON! Here it is, along with the comments I left.

What to Blog On? Concise Advice
From Marti Lawrence, Enter The Laughter, winner of a "Blogging for Business" book.
Marti, since you're a humor writer, I'll add I signed the book "to Marti" so you can't easily sell it on eBay :)
Might seem odd to be getting an entry from a humor writer, but I have a secret (well not-so-secret now, huh?) interest in marketing and a love of blogging.
I had professional photographs taken recently, and the photographer told me she read my blog.
"You should write one!" I said enthusiastically.
"Oh, I couldn't. What would I write about?"
"Just tell some of these great stories you told me! Talk about those unique poses and image compositions that you came up with - they're amazing!"
When I got home, I started thinking about what other advice I would give her. It could easily apply to any small businessperson thinking about starting a blog as part of their business plan.
Don't make every post, "buy something from me." Start out with who you are, and why you enjoy what you're doing. THAT is the key, is to make what you do sound interesting and exciting for you. Folks aren't going to want to do business with a dour old duck! You have to exhibit your enthusiasm for your business. Your excitement will excite your customers.
Speak (through your writing) casually. This isn't a textbook; it's a conversation. You aren't trying to force someone to buy something from you; you are explaining the benefits of your knowledge and enthusiasm.
Tell folks about your you helped someone, made them smile, improved their life. You don't think you improve people's lives with your business? You should! No matter what product or service you are dealing with, you have to believe in it! Otherwise, people are going to feel hustled. After all, you chose to get into this business, right? (Anyone who had a gun held to their head to pursue their vocation can stop reading.) Since you selected this profession, you must have thought it would be interesting and fulfilling for both you and your customers/clients. Use that passion! Let folks get to know you through your blog, and they'll want to do business with you.

My comments:
Marti accepts the tiara and roses with tears running down her cheeks, as she graciously waves to the applauding crowd. “Oh, thank you, thank you! I am thrilled, and will do my best to uphold the high standards of this award, and will work to bring an end to world hunger and businesses that don’t blog. Thank you again!” More tears, more applause...

HeyTed, an "autographed by the author" copy should bring in some big bucks at E-Bay!

Just kidding of course (that's what I do LOL)

Thank for selecting my entry. I had fun writing it. Best wishes to you and your readers!

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Friday, July 21, 2006

Highway to Hell

I’m on the highway to hell, with my name embossed on Satan's saddle. LOL

Don’t EVER say to yourself, “Can things get any worse?”

The boy-who-bought-a-car-but-never-drove-it, finally took it into the shop for more repairs. The air conditioning didn’t work, and none of the electric windows worked, which essentially meant he owned a 4-wheeled sweat lodge.

The car battery that was in the vehicle when he purchased it, was older than the vehicle itself. Hell, I think it was older than the boy. Maybe older than the boy’s mother. It had the cranking power of a bucket of slugs.

The cables that connected to the battery were made of braided goat hair and chewing gum foil.

So while his car was in the shop (and the mechanic was planning his vacation from the profits of the repairs) the boy was still driving my car. Right into the ground.

He took it to run errands. He called. “Uh, Mom?” (Poor child still doesn’t recognize my voice after 20 years.) “Your car won’t start.”

Someone took pity on the six-foot-tall sweat bead pacing nervously in front of his mother’s dead car while the heat index hovered in the 120 degree range. They gave him a jump start. He came home, and put the battery charger on it.

Then {insert mother’s slow head shake} he said he was going to run an errand in town, but INSTEAD he picked a friend up and headed out on the interstate.

Then my phone rang again.

“Uh, Mom? The car quit running and we’re stranded on the freeway.”

Insert mother spewing expletives.

So off go Father, Sister and still-cursing mother, to ride to rescue. Insert stop at Walmart to purchase new battery. Insert new battery into car as 18-wheelers whistle by, inches away. Instruct boy to return home to death row.

Next day, drive boy to French Fry land. Pick boy up, stop at Walmart to turn in old car battery, get $7 core fee back. Return to car. Car won’t start. Get jump start from tire and lube guy. Drive boy to garage. He has opted for battery cable replacement as only repair, as air conditioner and/or electric window repairs cost more than what he paid for the car. Try to follow boy home - my car won’t start. Leave mother’s car at mechanic (who is now re- planning vacation).

Ride home with boy in 4-wheel sweat lodge.

Curse Fate, who instead of smiling on us, has hocked up a big ol’ loogie and spit on us.

PS - On a brighter note (LOL)
I have a little post about being a writer over at Karen's fabulous blog Write Stuff.

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Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Wordless Wednesday 7

Michael-The A.B.B.-new blogger

The A. B. B.

Introducing a very funny new blogger! (I encouraged him to do this, promising him visitors and riches beyond compare *sncker* - he is a fellow member of a humor writer’s organization - please stop by and make him feel welcome!) PLUS! He has a biscuit that looks just like former President Gerald Ford that you just HAVE to see! LOL!

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Jack Handy

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Saturday, July 15, 2006

Open Mouth Insert Foot

Insert foot into mouth

Oh gawd, I’ve done it again - stuck my foot in my mouth, clear up to the ankle - LOL!

It’s hot, gawd it’s hot here. They’re saying the heat index this weekend is gonna be 118 degrees!

So I bought ice cream drumsticks.

They come wrapped in a little plastic bag, and there’s always a bunch of the crushed peanut topping that gets knocked off inside the bag. I’m always mindful when I unwrap it, to split the side seam very carefully, and then dump the toppings that have broken off into my mouth. Sometimes they sticks to the plastic bag, and I scoop them out with my tongue.

So (you can see where this is going, can’t you?) the boy gets one out of the freezer, and removes the bag, wads it up and throws it toward the trashcan.

He missed, the bag popped open, and toppings went everywhere.

I blurted out, “Why didn’t you lick your nuts off?”

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Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Wordless Wednesday #6

Marti's Scream

What having children can do to you

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Sunday, July 09, 2006

Prodigal Son and Daughter Return

Well, the youngens who flew the coop have returned to the nest. Their wings are not clipped, but they have changed colors.

The boy got back from his first cross-country adventure and now believes that everyone who lives in Los Angeles owns plasma televisions. He had a fine time, got to meet some interesting people and learn what it feels like to be a minority. The friend he traveled with is bi-racial, and the family that was kind enough to put the boys up, was black. Those are about the only details of the journey I’ve been able to pry out of him.

Daughter and I traveled to the airport to retrieve lads and luggage from their late-night arrival. She was anxious to share with him, her how-I-managed-to-worry-our-mother-even-more-while-you-were-in-California new hairdo.

Yep, she’s done it again. Son’s previously mentioned friends-who-are-girls-but-not-girlfriends, who befriended his sister while he was away, got the bright idea to drive across the state for a hamburger. And take my baby. (Oh don’t give me that nonsense about how she’s a teenager...she’s my baby dammit and always will be).

She came bouncing in the house, all excited. “Mom! They invited me to go to St. Louis with them!”

Stay calm, stay calm, don’t attempt to throw her in a bag and protect her from the world for the rest of her life.

“Oh?” (oh my sweet jesus why oh why?)

“Yeah! We’re gonna drive down there for a White Castle burger!”

{{Flashback to my wild and crazy youth, when such foolishness was a way of life but I would no more have told my mother than stick a needle in my eye.}}

I am relieved she is open enough to share the plan with me. I am horrified, as a mother, by the plan. I am cognizant of the fact that a negative reaction will cause her to choose a needle in the eye over sharing any future adventures with me.

“Well, that should be fun!” (if you stay alive please sweet jesus keep her alive)

So off she went, and I was alone. It was freaky. Sure, I spend days alone here when Husband is at work and the boy is makin’ French fries, and she’s at school, but this was...different.

The boy was off in La La land, so I wasn’t drivin’ him to the golden arches. The girl wouldn’t be sittin’ at me feet in the evenings, giggling over an anime’ or video game website.

I felt very old. It was the quietest 4th of July I can remember. It sucked. (Oh how eloquent of me)

Her escapade went well, and when they returned, they dyed her hair black with red tips, just to have some sport with ol’ Ma. Oh, look at you. Did you have a good time? Just ignore my bleeding palms, sugar. No, I’m not digging my fingernails into my skin to control my temper. It’s stigmata darling, mommy got religion while you were gone. I’m channeling Francis de Sales - patron saint of writers. Yes dear, I am going to blog about this.

They’re all sleeping now. I peek in at their faces, so sweet in slumber, and smile. I know they won’t be here forever, but for now...I think I’ll get good and drunk and not think about it - LOL!

Hope all of you had a lovely holiday, and stayed alive. If you’re dead and perusing this from the afterlife, please let me know how big my readership is out there. Tell Francis - he’ll channel it to me.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Wordless Wednesday #5

Some of the blogs I visit only allow Blogger ID for comments, so that is gonna bring y'all here, and you're going to see that I haven't posted for months and think, "WTF?" LOL

So I am going to cross-post here from time to time to keep this blog updated.

I do my full time posting at my own domain now, and have a book of humor essays coming out soon.

I appreciate anyone who reads my words anywhere - LOL Thanks for stopping by!

Today, July 5th

click to enlarge

Eve Billy Morrow Jackson

"Eve" by Kansas City born artist Billy Morrow Jackson

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