Saturday, January 16, 2010

The Rotisserie Butt Tuck

Baby it's cold outside!

It's been cold and miserable across the country for weeks now. Since before Christmas, the country has been plunged into the deep-freeze, with even the southern-most regions, like Florida, seeing snow and frigid temperatures.

This brings into play previously undiscovered differences in people's relationships. There have always been "odd couple" pairings - a saver involved with a spender, a slob living with a neat-freak or a sauce versus a rub (oops, sorry - that's barbeque, watched "Pitmasters" last night)

But the cold weather brings out another division in personalities - the rotisserie versus the snowballer. This is in reference to how people sleep….more specifically, how they roll over in bed.

A rotisserie sleeper changes their position in bed by flicking the covers upward and executing a quick roll that involves raising up on heels and elbows to flip over wile remaining in virtually the same real estate. They shift from back to side in a smooth maneuver without affecting their longitude or latitude on the bed surface. The blankets flutter back down, almost undisturbed. They are good people. :-)

On the other hand (the not so good hand - LOL) there is the snowballer. The snowball sleeper rolls in the manner of a steamroller, collecting sheets, blankets, comforters, duvets and possibly pets as they hurtle themselves across the landscape of the sleeping area.

Woe be to anyone sharing the bed with a snowballer.

You will be left shivering in this cold spell, as all of the linens designed to keep you warm are now wrapped around the snowballer like a burrito shell.

This can lead to arguments and accusations, none of which will do your relationship any good.

Is there a solution? Why yes, there is.

If you sleep with a snowballer, be forgiving. They are usually unaware of this tragic personality flaw and will deny it, even as they struggle to unswaddle themselves from their shroud. "I don't know how all of the sheets, blankets and the cat ended up wrapped around me! Are you sure you didn't do this to me?"

Your best bet is a good defensive move. Remember, they know not what they do, so when you are ready to go to sleep, lean over and kiss them goodnight.

Butt! (And I do mean butt) as you roll back over to your side of the bed, grab the edge of the covers and shove them firmly under your posterior. Tuck those suckers in tight. Otherwise, you're going to get fat.

That's right. I believe that many people gain weight once they're in a relationship for a while, not because they let themselves go, but because they're just trying to stay warm. Those of us who've packed on a few pounds aren't lazy or overeaters, we're just trying to insulate - grow our own body-blanket.

Help save your relationship. If you're a rotisserie sleeping with a snowballer - learn to butt-tuck. Or do this: