Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Toad Strippers and Near Death Experiences

I have had one hell of a week and it’s only Tuesday.

The “week” I am referencing goes back to last Friday though. Although the rains have finally stopped here, it was pouring on that day. It was starting to look Biblical. Then the plague of frogs struck.

I had gone to the roadside vegetable stand and picked up some fresh garden goodies for a dinner salad. When I got home and came up the driveway, it was considerably softer than usual. Then I realized I was running over thousands of frogs.

They were everywhere.

I stepped gingerly out of the car, and tried to avoid stepping on one as I made my way to the door. Then one of the little boogers jumped on top of my shoe. I was balancing bags of produce, and trying to maintain my balance, so I slowly lifted my foot and tried to fling it across the yard.

Instead, the frog (or toad - I never remember how you tell the difference and at this point didn’t care) leapt...not away, but up.

Up my pants leg.

I dropped the bags and hopped around in the pouring rain, trying to dislodge the critter.

Instead he climbed higher and higher.

A frog in your pants is not a pleasant experience. Since we live way out in the country and our house is not visible from the road, I did what I considered the next logical thing.

I stripped off my jeans.

I peeled off the dripping wet dungarees and gave them a good shake. The frog went flying.

I was relieved to be done with him, when I heard a noise. The electric company comes around at the end of every month to read the meter, and the truck was approaching. I screamed and fled, wearing my soaked-to-the-skin T-shirt and panties.

What do you figure the meter reader thought as he watched me scamper into the house in my undies, leaving a pair of wrong-side-out jeans lying in the mud beside a cucumber?

LOL




On Sunday, Husband and I went for a drive and the car started making a funny noise. Funny noises are never really funny. He suggested I take it to our trusty mechanic on Monday. Of course this meant driving it over to Kansas and back to get him to work.

About halfway back, the noise intensified and it started vibrating. It was so bad, it shook the review mirror off the windshield. But what was I going to do? It was 4 AM and nothing was open. My kids were asleep at home, and Middle Son was depending on me to wake him up to go to work. So I just kept going and going, like a demented Energizer bunny - LOL

I slowed down and crept along on the back roads as I got closer to home. I was praying (seriously) "Please God, just get me home". She did - lol

I pulled into our own driveway and made it almost to the house, when the car slammed to a stop, as the wheel had fallen off.
wheel broken off

I walked up to the house, stunned. I sat on the front porch, watched the sunrise and smoked a cigarette.

Then I woke Middle Son up and posted my pre-written mustache

When the mechanic opened, I called the tow service and had it hauled up there. They tell me that the last time the tires were rotated, (not by them) the lug nuts weren't tightened properly, and they slowly worked their way off, the last one taking the swan dive there in the driveway. They said if it had happened ten minutes sooner, when I was on the freeway, I would have had no control and likely would have slammed into a bridge piller, dying a horrible, flaming death (because the rain had stopped, just so I could fry, ya know - LOL)

I wrote to dear friend Amy and told her about this, and she said if I had died she would have written me a nice blogituary, a word she created for the horrible flaming death of a beloved blogger.

I promise to do the same for her.

Wishing all of you a joyous Independence Day!




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