Sunday, April 01, 2007

Dumbass Day

God, save me from the dumbasses of the world.

Still doin’ the insanity run, and this week I witnessed some particularly spectacular dummassedness.

It rained much of this week, and that seems to draw out the crazies like a full moon. They were all out on the freeways, a tour de force of foolishness.

There were the semi-truck drivers who expected to get from Memphis to Seattle in three hours.

There were the afraid-of-water drivers (are they going to melt?) who hid under the overpass at the first drizzly drop. Of course they never make it fully ONTO the shoulder, so they are taking up half of the right-hand lane, causing all of non-melters to swerve around them.

But the King of the Krazies was about five car lengths (or one-tenth of a second to the truckers) ahead of me. I knew it was gonna be trouble.

He was driving a rustbucket pickup truck, towing a homemade trailer. The trailer was constructed of paper-maché, balsa wood and bungee cords. He was carrying a load of scrap metal in it, which was tied down with Band-Aids.

He hit the Puddle of Doom and it was all over.

The trailer disintegrated. Melting like the Wicked Witch of the West and the overpass cave-people.

I’d been watching him, ‘cause I knew. I could see what was going to happen because I was on the road behind him and that’s how Fate works. Fate’s one bitter bitch.

I slowed at the first signs of the meltdown. A semi-truck tried to mate with the Neon. Neon was highly offended.

I moved to the far right lane and slowed more, just as the spillage began. Cooper wire, aluminum cans, and old auto parts, all leapt to freedom and danced gaily on the asphalt.


Then they were mangled and crushed under the wheels and undercarriages of an assortment of vehicles. At least those who didn’t veer into my lane. Then smash into each other.

Oh it was a glorious scene...if you’re a tow truck driver.

If you were me (thank your lucky stars you’re not) you’ve spent the day chasing down various medical personnel to try to get a straight answer as to why your mother-in-law is doubled over with pain from her kidney stint, and r-e-a-l-l-y don’t want to spend the next four hours waiting for the road to be cleared of asshats.

But alas, asshats abound. They in fact, multiply, duplicating dumbassedness at an extraordinary rate. Have you seen the movie, ”Idiocracy”? I think it’s a documentary of the future of man - LOL
Rent it - I guarantee you’ll laugh and understand what I mean.

But I digress.

Traffic was now stopped. The instigator of the event exited the rustbucket with a confused look on his inbred face. The noise and chaos were baffling, too intense for his feeble IQ to comprehend.

And I had had enough.

I got out of the car and approached him, as did several angry yuppies, all climbing out of their SUVs-that-have-never-seen-dirt, and BMWs. It was a sight to army of upper-middles...and me. The hillbilly, whose family tree does not fork, trembled.

I was tired, hungry, cranky and wet from drizzle. I had had enough. So I shot him.

The finger.

Then I got back in the Neon, watched the screaming match where the redneck was severely pummeled with insults he didn’t understand, and figured out what to write for April Fool’s Day.

Happy jesting to all of you!

Did you see a dumbass this week? I declare today “Dumbass Day”!

Share! Get it off your chest and share your experience with some moron. I know they're everywhere, so tell us your tale.

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