Ornament Wars

I have just returned from battle - the Ornament Wars.

I was among the hardy souls standing at the door of the Hallmark store, watching through the plate glass as the “50% off” signs went up all over the store. We eyed one another warily, sizing up the competition.

We were battle ready...comfortable shoes, loose clothing, credit cards drawn (overdrawn in some cases).

Mental notes to self:

“Watch that one, she’s checking an eBay price list tucked in her breast pocket”
“That one is arthritic - I can take her”
“A man - he looks scared. But the woman with him is offering erotic encouragement. ‘Get me Winnie the Pooh, and the honey pot is yours tonight,’ she whispers. He swells with renewed vigor (snicker)

The door was flung open and we attacked! Patton’s assault on Palermo was no less fierce.

“Grab the Celebration Barbie,” cried out a Five Star Grandmother to her more fleet-of-foot aide de camp (granddaughter). Alas, the inexperienced child fell by the wayside, as the hardened troops advanced.

I was on a mission. I had spotted a lone Star Trek Enterprise, tucked behind the multiple Mickey Mouses. I wrestled my way to it, growling at honey-pot man. His hand continued to move toward it, but I tossed a Pooh high in the air and he made a diving catch, worthy of a Super Bowl receiver.

I clutched my treasure while skirmishes continued to be waged.

“That’s MY Tweety!” snarled a Sergeant Shopper.

“I need to reload! Get me an empty basket!” shouted a foot soldier.

I made my way to the front lines...the checkout. Only 30 minutes in and the infantry was already hollow-eyed. Their fingers bloodied from paper cuts, they grimly bagged the spoils of war.

I glanced back at the battlefield, ravaged and barren. I sallied forth, my plundered hoard nestled near my bosom and sighed, glad to have survived to fight another day. Look out dollar store, I’ve got you in my site!


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