Nascar Oscar

MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: Here we are at the 78th annual Academy Awards. How’s the field looking, Jeff?
JEFF THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: Mike, we’re hearin’ a lot of good things about this here “Brokeback Mountain” movie. From what I can tell, it’s a western.


MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: I like westerns. Go Brokeback Mountain!
(Nearby group of set designers remove earbuds of their Ipods, all of which are playing “It’s Raining Men” smile appreciatively, and shout back “You GO girl!”)
JEFF THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: (Looks around) Uh, they must be talkin’ to them gals behind us.


MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: The host tonight is Jon Stewart.
JEFF THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: Is he related to Tony Stewart?
I got his autograph back when he picked up the Nextel Cup.


MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: Here’s the first award - George Clooney.
JEFF THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: He ain’t no Rosemary, damn that woman could sing.


MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: Aw hail, now we’re at the middle of the pack. I’m gonna go have me a chaw.
JEFF THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: You got some chewin’ tabacky?


MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: Well, I was backstage and I heard this fella a-snufflin’, like he had a bad cold. I was gonna give him my handkerchief, but when I walked over to him, he said, “Want some coke?” I told him I’m more of a Pepsi man. He laughed real hard, and tossed me this here tin. (Opens container.) It’s all white and powdery. Maybe they gots the tabacky mold out here. Lemme put a pinch ‘tween my cheek and gum.....
JEFF THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: Gimme some o’ that too.


MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: (Upon seeing Ben Stiller) Who the hail is that feller in the green long-johns?
JEFF THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: Got me, Mike. Is it gettin’ warm in here?


MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: There’s Dolly! Damn that is one F-I-N-E piece o’ womanhood. Look at them headlights!
JEFF THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: Whoa, Mike, we saw Jennifer Garner slide a bit on the straightaway there.


MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: But lookie! Them cute little penguin birds won! And they’re all walkin’ up on the stage! There must be hundreds of ‘em...no, I think I’m just seein’ double...damn that moldy tabacky packs a punch, huh?
JEFF THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: Aw right June Carter won! (Loosens collar, sweating profusely)


MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: There’s Colonel Sanders from Kentucky Fried Chicken!
JEFF THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: Naw, that’s Robert Altman. He must be dyin’, they’s givin’ him the lifetime award.


MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER:Woo-hoo! It's Crash!!
JEFF THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: That’s what they come for, Mike, that’s what they come for. Where’d them fellers we seen outside go? I feel like dancin’!