Monday, July 23, 2007


For most of you, yesterday was Sunday. Here it was Stunday, as in a day of stunning events.

First, I was stunned (in a good way) to see a spike in book sales following mention by Chris Brogan, praising Queen Klutz. I’ve been pimping ...errr...promoting the book for months and haven’t seen this kind of sales. Maybe it was his honesty. Not many men would admit that their wife laughs in bed, but this brave soul left this twitter post:

God love ya, Chris!

I saw a similar spike following my interview with Liz Strauss.

I thank them both! Isn’t it great when the blogosphere smiles on you?

Then I was stunned (in a strange way) when Husband got gasoline. No, the act of gassing up the car isn’t stunning (expensive, but not stunning). He dropped Daughter and I off at the grocery store (scene of the non-juggling hair-hanger routine) and took off for the service station on the corner.

Daughter and I finished shopping and waited outside the store. We could see the station but didn’t see his car. We wondered where Husband was, and made up all sorts of fictions about what could be delaying him.

Truth is stranger than fiction, though.

When he pulled up to pick us up, he said, “You’re not gonna believe what happened.”

It takes a lot to send our Unbelievablility Meter into the red, but this did.

While he was at the station, and we were inside the store, he was approached by a scraggly fellow wearing a bandanna. (Not just a bandanna, but as the topper of his crusty, fashion faux pas outfit). Scragglyman asked Husband for a ride to the hospital.

Husband is no fool. He’s been around the block. Hell, he’s been around the world (and yes I mean that both ways - LOL) He sized up ScragglyMan, and determined that he appeared unarmed, non-threatening, and indeed in need of medical assistance. So Husband drove him to the ER.

Along the way, the tale of ScragglyMan unfolded. ScragglyMan’s recent past is...uh...”colorful”.

He needed a lift because he didn’t think he could walk the five more miles it would take to make it to the hospital. His medical emergency was that he was peeing blood now, after being on a meth bender for several days (or possibly months). He wasn’t able to drive because he’d lost his license some time back. Seems he’d been driving someplace to get some weed, and he got kind of tired, so he decided to take a couple of mini-whites, but it turned out they were tranquilizers. He fell asleep at the wheel of the car and had a wreck. For some reason (which he didn’t fully understand) the state saw fit to take his license way from him for this infraction. Oh and he was in mourning because his sister was recently found in a shallow grave. Fortunately they’d reached the ER by the time this bit of information came out, although Husband was never really worried because he is six foot four and ScragglyMan was small, frail and peeing blood (luckily, not in the car).

Even I couldn't make this stuff up.

Then we drove over the river and through the woods to grandmother’s house. Armed with multiple pages of notes on possible fixes for taming the demon Vista, we again attempted to get the DSL to work. We tried them all. None worked. So with a sigh, I called customer service again.

I was stunned (in a "this-must-be-a-parallel-universe" kind of way) to get someone who spoke English without an India accent. I was even more stunned when he walked me through the setup again, but had me register the modem this time ‘round. Sweet Jesus action figure, things started to work!

So that was the solution. It seems so simple and obvious, I don’t know why one of the 150 people around the world (only one meaning - LOL) I’ve spoken to in the past few weeks couldn’t have told me this, but at least it IS working now. We turned the machine off and back on several times, and tested it in different parts of the house, and it was all good. (Knock on wood - LOL.)

So it was a stranger-than-fiction, stunning weekend here in Mazoorah. How was yours?

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Tuesday, July 17, 2007


I went to the grocery store last night, after a frustrating day of trying to get my mother-in-law’s computer to recognize the AT&T/DSL Internet connection we had made for her. We might as well have been trying to talk to the Mars rover. More on that in a moment.

It was hot - really hot, but not in a fun, Paris Hilton kind of way. We’re talking temperature and humidity in the 90’s.
I parked the car, went in for supplies, returned and unlocked the door. I was tired and frustrated. I flung the door open, tossed the sack onto the passenger seat, and dropped towards the driver’s seat as I pulled the door shut behind me. The key word in this sentence is “towards”. I did not make it fully TO the seat, as an updraft from the heated interior of the car caught my ponytail (I can’t stand this mat of heavy hair on the back of my neck when it’s 95 outside).

Just as the door slammed fully shut, the ponytail was lodged between the door and the roof of the car, suspending me, much like this circus performer, except less graceful and not juggling. If I had the equipment and ability to juggle it might have helped me attract attention though, which would have helped, because I was stuck.

I reached for the door handle, (not an easy maneuver) but the position I was trapped in, and the fact that I do not have six-foot-long arms, prevented me from popping the door back open.

I screamed, “HELP!”

This is a small town grocery store though, largely abandoned in favor of the Mart That Sells Walls (another Paris Hilton reference) over in the next town, and there were no patrons milling about, waiting to be amused by or helpful to, the Klutz Who Caught Her Hair In The Door.

I shuffle-bumped my body in a manner similar to the person in a movie who has been tied to a chair by the bad guy, (who never watches movies and thus leaves the tie-ee alone to shuffle-bump their way to escape) until I could feel the electric window button, which was closer than the door release.

I lowered the window and managed to contort my arm around so I could pop the outside door handle to release me from Hair Hell.


I was free, and now know I have alternative occupation skills if Barnum and Bailey are ever looking for a non-juggling, middle-aged hair-hanger. (Unlikely, I know, but stranger things have happened...maybe.)

Now, back to mom-in-law’s computer.

It seems that Vista is incompatible with DSL (all the geeks snicker and go, “like duh”). The people at AT&T did not tell us this when we signed up. (Double duh)

So I implore all of you clever folks who are technical wizards. Is there any way to get Vista to see the 2Wire DSL modem, which AT&T says “pings” properly? I am desperate. I spent all day yesterday (prior to my performance) trying to make the damn thing work. We disabled the firewall, lowered the security and privacy settings, re-installed the set-up and did a strip tease for it (grandma’s air conditioner is failing, but that’s a whole ‘nother post). Nothing worked. Vista is the most frustrating operating system ever designed by those sadists at Microsoft. I have spoken to so many help center people form India I should speak Hindi by osmosis.

We may just remove it and install XP because my head hurts, metaphorically and literally. Please help me before I hang myself (by my hair) again.

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Friday, July 13, 2007

Cave Boy and the Goblet of Squid

Middle Son remains at home, as the person he is replacing in the shared household he and his lady-love will be joining, has yet to depart. The kid who was supposed to move out must have taken my death threats seriously.......


Although he still lives here, he is no longer a McPloyee. He and lady-love both bid adieu to the golden arches for greener pastures. Then they went under them.

They are both now working in a cave. Honest.


It sounds like somewhere a superhero arch-enemy would hang out, doesn’t it? LOL
But it is a real place, the world's largest underground business complex, a subterranean industrial park with nearly five million square feet of leasable space.

Speaking of bidding adieu, I am in the process of getting rid of many of my Squidoo lenses. It’s nothing personal (despite my rant at Calacanis)

I just don’t have the time, or sufficient drug supplies (to DEA computer scanner - just kidding) to keep them up. So I’ve let others adopt them. Summertime is always busy here at the farm, and there’s bingo to go cheat at - LOL

My cup (or goblet, since I’m not above shamelessly leveraging the popularity of Harry Potter - lol) runneth over. Fare thee well, my little lenses!

Happy Friday the 13th to everyone!

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Wednesday, July 11, 2007


A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

Don't ya love military time?

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Saturday, July 07, 2007


The Good The bad and the Adly

Today is supposed to be a lucky day - 07/07/07. I hope it’s lucky for you!

Any special plans for today? Does July have any special significance for you...a birthday, anniversary, special memory?

I have a few thoughts (often very few LOL )

I got a very nice book review for my book of humor essays (some taken from this very blog - LOL)

I didn’t die in a horrible flaming car crash when the wheel fell off the car

My birthday is on the 29th.

Middle Son has informed me that he and his lady-love are going to move in together, which means he is moving out of our home. I will miss him and all of the topics he gave me to blog about - LOL

Eldest Son moved out ten years ago, when I was just getting started on the Internet. Daughter is 18 and going into her senior year of high school, so she’ll be gone before I know it. The cats better start doing some pretty funny stuff - LOL

I love advertising. I know most people are annoyed by it, but I find the psychology of marketing fascinating.
Did you know that several 7-11 stores are being converted into “Kwik E Mart” to promote the new Simpson’s movie?

Over the weekend, 7-Eleven Inc. turned a dozen stores into Kwik-E-Marts, the fictional convenience stores of "The Simpsons" fame, in the latest example of marketers making life imitate art. Those stores and most of the 6,000-plus other 7-Elevens in North America will sell items that until now existed only on television: Buzz Cola, KrustyO's cereal and Squishees, the slushy drink knockoff of Slurpees.

Then there’s this new Wendy’s hamburger commercial, that shows a bunch of people in a forest, all kicking a tree. I thought, ”WTF” and was not alone - LOL I Googled it and there are a LOT of people asking “WTF?” The general consensus seems to be that the message is “don’t be like everybody else”. I think it’s great when a TV commercial cam get that many people asking, “WTF?” LOL It is just so bizarre and “random” (which is apparently the new “cool”)

Speaking of weird randomness. Is anyone watching John From Cincinnati on HBO?

Or have you seen “Black Snake Moan” with Samuel L. Jackson and Christina Ricci? I caught both recently, and frankly, I think my weirdly cup runneth over - LOL

Black Snake Moan
Best wishes to all of you for a great weekend!

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Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Toad Strippers and Near Death Experiences

I have had one hell of a week and it’s only Tuesday.

The “week” I am referencing goes back to last Friday though. Although the rains have finally stopped here, it was pouring on that day. It was starting to look Biblical. Then the plague of frogs struck.

I had gone to the roadside vegetable stand and picked up some fresh garden goodies for a dinner salad. When I got home and came up the driveway, it was considerably softer than usual. Then I realized I was running over thousands of frogs.

They were everywhere.

I stepped gingerly out of the car, and tried to avoid stepping on one as I made my way to the door. Then one of the little boogers jumped on top of my shoe. I was balancing bags of produce, and trying to maintain my balance, so I slowly lifted my foot and tried to fling it across the yard.

Instead, the frog (or toad - I never remember how you tell the difference and at this point didn’t care) leapt...not away, but up.

Up my pants leg.

I dropped the bags and hopped around in the pouring rain, trying to dislodge the critter.

Instead he climbed higher and higher.

A frog in your pants is not a pleasant experience. Since we live way out in the country and our house is not visible from the road, I did what I considered the next logical thing.

I stripped off my jeans.

I peeled off the dripping wet dungarees and gave them a good shake. The frog went flying.

I was relieved to be done with him, when I heard a noise. The electric company comes around at the end of every month to read the meter, and the truck was approaching. I screamed and fled, wearing my soaked-to-the-skin T-shirt and panties.

What do you figure the meter reader thought as he watched me scamper into the house in my undies, leaving a pair of wrong-side-out jeans lying in the mud beside a cucumber?


On Sunday, Husband and I went for a drive and the car started making a funny noise. Funny noises are never really funny. He suggested I take it to our trusty mechanic on Monday. Of course this meant driving it over to Kansas and back to get him to work.

About halfway back, the noise intensified and it started vibrating. It was so bad, it shook the review mirror off the windshield. But what was I going to do? It was 4 AM and nothing was open. My kids were asleep at home, and Middle Son was depending on me to wake him up to go to work. So I just kept going and going, like a demented Energizer bunny - LOL

I slowed down and crept along on the back roads as I got closer to home. I was praying (seriously) "Please God, just get me home". She did - lol

I pulled into our own driveway and made it almost to the house, when the car slammed to a stop, as the wheel had fallen off.
wheel broken off

I walked up to the house, stunned. I sat on the front porch, watched the sunrise and smoked a cigarette.

Then I woke Middle Son up and posted my pre-written mustache

When the mechanic opened, I called the tow service and had it hauled up there. They tell me that the last time the tires were rotated, (not by them) the lug nuts weren't tightened properly, and they slowly worked their way off, the last one taking the swan dive there in the driveway. They said if it had happened ten minutes sooner, when I was on the freeway, I would have had no control and likely would have slammed into a bridge piller, dying a horrible, flaming death (because the rain had stopped, just so I could fry, ya know - LOL)

I wrote to dear friend Amy and told her about this, and she said if I had died she would have written me a nice blogituary, a word she created for the horrible flaming death of a beloved blogger.

I promise to do the same for her.

Wishing all of you a joyous Independence Day!

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