Sunday, December 31, 2006

A Blondes Year in Review

January - Took new scarf back to store...... it was much too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels...... bottles won’t fit in typewriter!

March - Really got excited..... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... the box said “2-4 years”!

April - Trapped on escalator for hours..... power went out!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!

June - Tried to go water skiing..... couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition..... learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm..... car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is “C”..... isn’t it?

October - I just Hate these M&M’s..... they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 ½ days..... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!

December - Couldn’t call 911..... there’s no eleven button on the phone!!!

Wow...... What a year!!

Personal note of stupid humor:
I saw a headline on Yahoo this morning...
"Hundreds flock to see Saddam's gravesite"

I misread "flock" as a more obscene word. Made me think, "Man, those people wiill do anything to see this guy dead!"


Wishing all of you a Happy New Year!!

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Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Ornament Wars

I have just returned from battle - the Ornament Wars.

I was among the hardy souls standing at the door of the Hallmark store, watching through the plate glass as the “50% off” signs went up all over the store. We eyed one another warily, sizing up the competition.

We were battle ready...comfortable shoes, loose clothing, credit cards drawn (overdrawn in some cases).

Mental notes to self:

“Watch that one, she’s checking an eBay price list tucked in her breast pocket”
“That one is arthritic - I can take her”
“A man - he looks scared. But the woman with him is offering erotic encouragement. ‘Get me Winnie the Pooh, and the honey pot is yours tonight,’ she whispers. He swells with renewed vigor (snicker)

The door was flung open and we attacked! Patton’s assault on Palermo was no less fierce.

“Grab the Celebration Barbie,” cried out a Five Star Grandmother to her more fleet-of-foot aide de camp (granddaughter). Alas, the inexperienced child fell by the wayside, as the hardened troops advanced.

I was on a mission. I had spotted a lone Star Trek Enterprise, tucked behind the multiple Mickey Mouses. I wrestled my way to it, growling at honey-pot man. His hand continued to move toward it, but I tossed a Pooh high in the air and he made a diving catch, worthy of a Super Bowl receiver.

I clutched my treasure while skirmishes continued to be waged.

“That’s MY Tweety!” snarled a Sergeant Shopper.

“I need to reload! Get me an empty basket!” shouted a foot soldier.

I made my way to the front lines...the checkout. Only 30 minutes in and the infantry was already hollow-eyed. Their fingers bloodied from paper cuts, they grimly bagged the spoils of war.

I glanced back at the battlefield, ravaged and barren. I sallied forth, my plundered hoard nestled near my bosom and sighed, glad to have survived to fight another day. Look out dollar store, I’ve got you in my site!

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Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Silly Christmas

I was at Aldi this morning. It’s a discount grocery store. They’re very basic, warehouse style stores, but they sell a damn fine can of corn for 29 cents. Bread is 50¢.

I buy a lot of stuff there - LOL

They carry odd lots and discontinued merchandise too, so you find Halloween costumes there in November.

I laughed out loud at the display I spotted this morning though...Britney Spears perfume. Yup, the stuff that she has those nonsensical commercials for, that JUST CAME OUT. I mean, Aldi makes Walmart look like Macys, so that gives you an idea of what a high-end product she is peddling - LOL

It just made me laugh. I am easily amused.

I also get a laugh from yard decorations gone awry. Saw a Santa and reindeer, made of solid molded plastic, in front of a house. The wind had blown Santa over though, and he was lying across the back of the reindeer, Since he was unbalanced, the wind rocked him back and forth. It gave the appearance of Santa gettin’ it on deerie-style.

Furthermore, there is a large inflatable snow globe thing down in town that has made me laugh for weeks now.

Inside the inflated clear plastic spheroid (thank you Thesaurus - lol) is an inflated white snowman. There is an air pump that circulates fake snow, to give the appearance of a real snow globe. Except they set it on a bit of a slope, so the pump doesn’t spew the white flakes up to the top of the clear outer globe, but instead spurts them out about butt-high of the snowman. He looks like he has severe flatulence. We absolutely roar with laughter every time we go by it. We even laugh when we see properly working ones, just thinking of the farting Frosty.

I am easily amused.

I am going through the ol’ blogroll, to send each of you good wishes. I know I don’t visit often, and I apologize for that. I wish I could, as I truly enjoy hearing about your lives.

And just for giggles, here are the latest additions to my funny t-shirts:

Happiness can’t buy money

Subliminal Message Experiment

Too subtle? LOL

So...have any of you seen some funny Christmas stuff?

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Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Hard to Find Toys WW 15

Wordless Wednesday #15

My Little Pony Glue Factory

My Little Pony Glue Factory

Peeping Tommy Night Vision Goggles

Peeping Tommy Night Vision Goggles

Shiite Pet

Shiite Pet

Wishing all of you a safe and happy holiday season!

The Wordless Wednesday Blogroll

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This is a NEW world headquarters for Wordless Wednesday!

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Friday, December 08, 2006

Embrace the insanity

I’ve decided to stop bitchin’ about the insanity run.

So what if I’m driving 400 miles a day on a highway system that was designed by M.C. Escher?

Exits to the left of me, exits to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle lane, screwed.

Granny the brake tapper is in the slow lane, and I hate being behind her, never knowing if there is an actual REASON to be slowing down or if she was just frightened by a leaf blowing across the street. Grr, I hate brake tappers...stop or go, bitch. Yeah, I called granny a bee-otch. She can learn to drive without riding the brake or get off the freakin’ freeway.

Roddy the Redneck with his souped-up monster truck which is 40 feet tall and goes 110 miles an hour is in the fast lane, and I don’t blame him. If you’re not willing to significantly break the speed limit, stay out of the fast lane. Plus it’s twenty below zero and ain’t no donut-eater gonna chase you and have to get out of their nice, warm cruiser, unless you pass them at the speed of sound. On fire. And having sex in the backseat. (Sex in the backseat will draw a cop out like a moth to a flame.)

I’m cruising along safely in the middle, at nine miles an hour above the speed limit. (Karen and I believe we won’t get stopped unless we exceed by ten - LOL)

I love the middle lane. Except when I get trapped between semi-trucks. Then it’s like that old Saturday Night Live skit, “A Night at the Roxbury”with disco beat, “What is Love?” blaring in the background, and I am the unsuspecting soul stuck between the two cocaine-addled, nose scratching, shiny-suited dancers who sumo-bump you back and forth between them.

Kansas City proudly boasts the most miles of roadway per capita. We have a freeway that goes to each person’s house. And they’re all eight lanes wide, but only one is open due to construction.

Sarah Winchester is in charge of maintenance, and believes it must never stop..

So during yesterday’s drive, I went five miles without ever getting out of first gear. My left ankle is the size of a tree trunk from riding the clutch. Why are people so stupid? There are flashing signs set up every five feet, warning of closed lanes ahead, yet most of the idiots don’t bother to try to get over until they are on top of the orange barrels. Then suddenly it’s, “Oh crap! There is no more road in front of me! I must muscle in on someone who is in the one open lane!”

Screw that. You can sit there until your teeth fall out. I was smart enough to get over three miles back.

But of course there’s always some kindly soul who lets them in. Then we all pay. Traffic in our one open lane slows, then stops. When we do move, we creep along only inches at a time. I stare straight ahead, so the morons can’t try to motion to me to let them in. Don’t wave your hand at me, fool. Learn to read.

And PLEASE, don’t get on the freeway in your $40,000 pickup truck with a butt-ugly French Provincial armoire in the back. Yeah, I followed you yesterday...all the way from the estate sale where you blocked the road so I couldn’t get by, while you loaded the damned thing into the back end of the truck. Then you tied it on with Christmas ribbon and put your SEVEN-YEAR-OLD back there to steady it, and pulled out in front of me. THEN you got on the interstate highway and went 14 miles an hour, lest you damage your treasure (not the child, but that hideous piece of furniture).

Yes, I am the crazy blonde who flipped you the bird when I finally got around you. I hope the damned thing crushed you when you unloaded it, and your sweet child inherits a ton of insurance money, if for nothing else than to pay for therapy to understand why their father could afford a fancy-ass truck and expensive furniture, but wouldn’t hire someone to move it, preferring to endanger the life and limb of their child and other drivers.

Oops. I was going to embrace the insanity, wasn’t I?


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Friday, December 01, 2006

Marti is Making History

One of my fellow Squidoo lensmasters tested the notion of selling a Squidoo Lens for fun and profit! I loved the idea and decided to give it a go. I'm not expecting a big financial payoff, but I'm hoping this will gain Squidoo some press exposure and show people how much fun running a lens can be.

I would appreciate any mention of this auction that you could provide. I believe this is only the second sale of a Squidoo lens, and the first to receive any outside publicity. Many Squidoo lenses are set to donate to charity, so even if the purchaser isn't interested in the income potential, they could donate the earnings to a worthy cause!

Please help me spread the word!

Thank you - I hope you have a fabulous day!

Marti Lawrence


Lens for Sale

Bette Davis Eyes

Great information, great pictures, great income potential! Has
moneymaker modules for i-Tunes (song downloads), Amazon (DVD's and
books) and eBay (assorted related merchandise).

Ease of operation! All moneymaker modules are set to automatic fill
with current auctions or popular items for sale. There's still a ton
of information out there about this magnificent actress, so updating
will be a breeze!

Make history by being involved in one of the first Squidoo Lens Auctions!

Bid right here!

Auction runs one week, from December 1 to 11:59 PM December 7, GMT

See time zone map here

11:59 PM December 7, 2006 Greenwich Mean Time = 5:59 PM Central
Standard Time

This sale turns over the existing content and all future income from
this Squidoo Lens to the purchaser. No physical materials are
transferred, nor does this sale give the purchaser any rights that
would violate the Squidoo Terms of Service Agreement.

Opening Bid = $5 USD
Terms of Payment = Paypal

This sale will be heavily promoted! Get your name included in the press coverage!

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